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The way to a terrorist's heart is a little lower than his belly
The way to a terrorist's heart is a little lower than his belly

Dave Weinbaum
A 60-year-old Afghan tribal chief, Idongetnon, a pharmacist, Manny Stiffrods, and a CIA operative, Urali Donomi, are sitting in an opium den in the warlord’s village. The Afghani smells of camel dung. His clothes are tattered and stained, turban unraveling. The old man’s look is tired, frustrated, and droopy.

Donomi asks Idongetnon, “So how are the wives?”

Chief: “Oy Vey! Not so good…I’m sleeping with the camels instead of schtupping my four brides. It’s becoming too much to please one, much less four. I’m going meshuganah! Worse they have me talking Yiddish! I’ve cancelled two meetings with Zawahiri and one with Osama until my speech is under control. To put it mildly, I need a change! I need hope! Vere’s the putz with my cheesecake? My espresso is cold! I need a hug.”

Stiffrods, putting little blue pills in the chief’s hand says, “Hope is on the way!”

Viagra Diplomacy (VD) is born!

Oh get over it! VD can stand for TWO things -- although as Steven Wright has noted, “Twenty-four hours in a day, 24 cans of beer in a case ... coincidence?”

Next week, back at the den, the warlord, huge grin radiating from his face, trimmed beard, clean fresh-smelling clothes and turban, with a spring in his step, and a sparkle in his eye, exudes confidence and fulfillment. When asked how he’s doing, he reveals he takes a Viagra first thing every morning. He’s now an early riser. No more slipping into Yiddish for him! He’s focused on keeping up with his four young brides.

Stiffrods holds out a huge bag of the little blue pills and as Idongetnon excitedly reaches for them the Pfizer rep pulls back.

Donomi says, “We saved your honor with the villagers. Also, it’s apparent that you are living in erotic bliss with your wives. We need something in return. Can we get a little shout-out about al-Qaeda and the Taliban?”

“Not only will I give up their supply routes, I’ll tell you their secret watering holes,” responded the chief, desperate to keep his performance “sizeable.”

The secret to marital bliss is to keep the wives that hate you away from the ones who aren’t sure.

What is it that makes VD so effective?

As Tony Harnden points out, cash is used to buy gaudy stuff. A new Rolls sitting outside a chieftain’s tent just might be a dead give away to his traitorous acts.

Other than fathering many children in old age, the blue pills are untraceable.

Terrorists are focused on their own wives, plus dodging the bombs of the ever-increasing attacks as they jump from cave to cave.

Again I illustrate with song:

To the tune of Love Potion Number 9 By Tygers of Pan Tang

I took my troubles to the CIA
They said I had to pay to play.
Had more sex than I could do
He sent a man with pills of blue

I told him ‘bout my impotence
I didn’t want his dollars and cents.
He felt my karma gave me a look
Said, "I’ll give you hope get you off the hook."

I took a pill washed it down with tea
Wives couldn’t get enough of me
I was like a bull in heat
As a man I was now complete

So when they come to town with another stash of pills
I tell them what they want then they ... head for the hills.
So when they come to town with another stash of pills.
I tell them what they want then they ... head for the hills
head for the hills…head for the hills ... (fade)

One disclaimer: you have to be careful with the blue pills. Idongetnon’s dog got into his stash of Viagra. At least he’s stopped chasing his own tail.

Finally, the CIA’s come up something BIG!

Besides, maybe it’ll do something for my sagging Pfizer stock.

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