|Orlando police put Tiger on the clock
For those who feel the biggest stories of this week are Afghanistan, the economy or Climategate, guess again.
Tiger Woods, long considered one of the classiest, highest endorsed athletes, and the best golfer in the world, was allegedly on the receiving end of abuse from a Swedish woman swinging a golf club.
He and I are in an exclusive club. We are signature members of GASSP, Golfers Attacked by their Swedish Spouses.
Oh YES I HAVE!
Playing in a golf tournament to benefit local charities in St. Louis — a tournament we had won a couple of years back with good friends, Bill and Rob — I enlisted wifey to play. As always I reminded Joni that she was to play from the red tees as was specified in our wedding vows.
As my turn came up at the third hole, I sauntered up to the MEN’S TEE, club and ball in hand.
Out of nowhere I was slammed in the left eye by a large, fast moving metal surface moving at meteoric speed. I heard a sound reminiscent of a bat hitting a watermelon and began to see stars, as blood oozed from the gash.
I turned to see who had assaulted me, only to look into the wide blue eyes of my gorgeous, befuddled blond wife.
Dave: “What, DID I FORGET TO TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE THIS MORNING?
Joni: “I’m soooo sorry honey. I didn’t see you.”
Okay, so the guys bandaged my soon to be swollen shut optical orifice and I became essentially a one-eyed golfer who felt like Michael Corleone when he was punched by the crooked police captain in “THE GODFATHER.”
When the eye closed I yelled to Rob, “Cut me Rob, cut me!”
Thirty seconds later, as we were going from the men’s to woman’s tee, Joni had the gall to turn to me and say, “You know it was YOUR FAULT.” She went on to explain that I should have been watching.
Dave: “Excuse me for being alive, but may I add small fact? You were on the men’s tee ... with a club! Why would I think to beware of a practice swing by you when you weren’t going to hit off that tee anyway?!?”
We laugh about it now as I hope Tiger and family will chuckle in years to come, but this news is just too amazing to try to avoid. You just can’t pass this up if you’re anything like ... well me!
I knew a golfer who was so unlucky that when they went to bury him, he lipped out.
A few one-liners come to mind:
• Tiger gives new meaning to the phrase, “scratch golfer.”
• Guess he was going out clubbing.
• Tiger received a two stroke penalty for creating an unauthorized water hazard. It was administered by his wife.
• Instead of driving his Caddy, his caddy should have been driving him.
• Now he’s going to have to buy her a “Kobe”: A house on a ring. He hopes that’ll bring him back to dormie.
• If Stevie were there he would have handed Elin a driver instead of a five iron. It took her two extra strokes to knock thru those Escalade windows.
• She was so angry about the alleged affair she developed a bunker mentality.
• Tiger knew he was in trouble when his wife gave him a wedgie ... with a golf club.
• When Elin realized Tiger was hurt in his wrecked car, she took immediate action. She sold his golf clubs on eBay.
• Tiger was taking his shoes to an all night cobbler. Apparently there was a hole-in-one.
• The NAACP is accusing Elin of a hate crime. As she was beating him with a wedge she screamed that he’d never win a major again.
• Let’s face it, Tiger was lucky. Elin went for his clubs. She could have gone after his balls.
I humbly suggest that Tiger begs Elin, as the moving van delivers her “Kobe,” using words he may have never mouthed before — a question that will have his dad spinning in his grave:
“Honey, may I please have a mulligan?”
Time to stroke your wife, or she just might give you the shaft.
(Dave Weinbaum is a regular contributor of one-liners and commentaries to many regional and national publications and web sites, including the Reader's Digest, National Enquirer and Forbes and is a regular pundit for the www.jewishworldreview.com. Readers can reach Dave at email@example.com or his website, www.daveweinbaum.com. Listen to the Dave Weinbaum Radio Talk show on KTTR 99.7 FM and 1490 AM on Friday mornings starting at 9:05.)
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