Advising Obama on how to regain his mojo; or, my future as a ‘psychiatric patient’ in Northern Alaska
By: Dave Weinbaum
Posted: Saturday, November 21, 2009 11:53 pm
As we left it last week: I was on my way to the White House with a horsy pajama-clad leader of the free world, his toadies, Axelrod and Emanuel and three Secret Service agents. For secrecy measures, the President had opted to make a Cessna puddle-jumper the make-shift AF1 to pick me up.
After I applied a little “Godfather” shock therapy, I was about to give President Obama the advice he sorely needs to prevent his administration from descending to the bottom of the cesspool beneath history’s worst president, Jimmy Carter!
As bright sunlight now pushes the mighty midget craft to Washington, D.C., I continue my counseling of the PJ’d Prez.
Somewhere along the trip, I have an epiphany. I decide the situation was hopeless. It’s time to accept the facts as they were and deal with their hideous reality.
I no longer hold any hope that Barack Hussein Obama is capable of change. The evidence of his hatred for the USA is overwhelming.
Weinbaum: “Mr. President, I know this may come as a shock, but most of America, including many former backers and several who are twittering, think you hate the USA. There was ample evidence during the campaign which you and your people cleverly disguised. (Axelrod and Emanuel jump up and hit chests, then trade high fives, screaming, “YEAH BABY!”) You can’t hide your disdain for the USA anymore. Most people, even many former backers, wanted change, but not the elimination of their constitutional rights and capitalism.”
Obama: “Weinbaum, pretend time is over. People voted for me to change the country. That’s exactly what I’m doing. If they don’t like it now, that’s tough. After all, I ONE!”
Weinbaum: “Alrighty then. So what do you want from me? You’ve already got enough sycophantic losers telling you how great you are.”
Emanuel: “Yeah boss, you have us!” Axelrod nods in agreement.
Obama: “SILENCE! I still want to hear what he has to say. My popularity is dropping. I don’t get it. I thought everyone hated Fox, Beck and Limbaugh! How can America like them and not me!? Pilot, shouldn’t we have landed at Reagan National?” (Axelrod and Emanuel spit twice in unison.)
Slowly, a buxom brunette raises her multi-crested locks, askew in “pilot’s” lingerie revealing all sorts of feminine delicacies from the pilot’s seat beside her. Slowly, the silver head of the pilot next to her swivels toward the back of the plane.
Bill: “How’d that happen? I was right on course to D.C. and my intern, Sheila, dropped the map right under my seat! She’s been searching for it! Know what I mean? (Everyone, especially the Secret Service, snickers). We passed D.C. about an hour ago, but I’m on it now.”
Obama: “Look Bill, I did this as a favor to keep you away from Hillary. I can only send her out of the country 95 percent of the time. I expected you to at least pay attention to THIS job.”
Clinton: “Sorry Mr. President, I’ll get you back as soon as if find the ma... oh that’s where you hid it, you minx!” (Sheila bends over and pulls it away from Bill’s lap — with her teeth). Hey guys, could you classify this as top secret regarding Hillary?”
Weinbaum: “Wow, within about three hours both Hillary and Bill have sworn me to secrecy! How many people has that happened to?”
Everyone on the plane, including the minx, the Secret Service and Barack Obama raise their hands.
Weinbaum: “Mr. President, I could go through all the policies that are going to lose the Congress, make you a lame duck and a one-termer, but I think you’re looking at this all wrong. You, Dear Leader, are too good for the American people.
Axelrod: “Mr. President, Why are you listening to this moron?”
Obama: “Let him speak!”
Weinbaum: “Mr. President, the people of the world need you. Unlike Americans, they love you. Some even worship you. If you continue as President, You’ll get boxed in like your operatives did to Sarah Palin in Alaska. (Another chest bump and high five between Axelrod and Emanuel.) What did she do to avoid destruction?”
Obama: “You mean...?”
Weinbaum: “Yep, resign, but with a twist. Get the Norwegians to put the fix in at the United Nations like they did when you ‘ONE’ the Nobel Peace Prize. They’ll get you elected to Secretary General of the UN. It’ll be like taking salary from an investment banker. Then you’ll be positioned to take charge of the planet, something we all know you were born for. And think of the benefits for your loyal toadies! They can do to — I mean for — the world what an unappreciative American Public didn’t deserve: One ruler Barack Hussein Obama, for eternity!”
As the plane lands in DC, a smug contented look spreads on tired faces in the cabin. Of course in Clinton’s case it’s from his intern minx’s continued searches for dropped or droopy things “under” his seat.
Obama: “I’ll give it some thought.”
Weinbaum: “Do I get that tour of the White House now?”
Obama: “Some other time. You’re on your own. I’ll deny any knowledge of meeting with you, Weinbaum, is that clear?”
Weinbaum: “Yes Mr. President.”
America, it was the best I could do!
As the Rabbi from FIDDLER ON THE ROOF in the tiny Russian shtetl of Anatevka said at the start of that country’s Communist Revolution, “MAY G-D BLESS AND KEEP THE CZAR ... FAR AWAY FROM US!”
(Dave Weinbaum is a regular contributor of one-liners and commentaries to many regional and national publications and web sites, including the Reader's Digest, National Enquirer and Forbes and is a regular pundit for the www.jewishworldreview.com. Readers can reach Dave at firstname.lastname@example.org or his website, www.daveweinbaum.com. Listen to the Dave Weinbaum Radio Talk show on KTTR 99.7 FM and 1490 AM on Friday mornings starting at 9:05.)