Soon to be outed: My trip to the White House via Obama’s Air Force One
By: Dave Weinbaum
Posted: Saturday, November 7, 2009 6:24 am
I know you’re not going to believe this, but remember that recently released partial list of White House visitors? SEIU’s Andy Stern at 22 visits must have moved into the Lincoln Bedroom. Movie stars George Clooney and Brad Pitt (if this were still the Clinton White House, it would have been Jennifer Anniston and Angie Jolie); Oprah; GE and NBC’s Jeff Imelt; phony anti-capitalist capitalist, Michael Moore; patriot short-seller and Israel-hater and what many think is to Obama what Cheney was to Bush, George Soros.
Then there’s the source of most of the hot air blowing up America’s skirts, the Gullible Worming scammer, a man who used to be the next President of the United States, Al Gore.
I didn’t see Obama’s choice as Afghan war leader, General McChrystal, on the list, but I’m sure he’s got THAT under control. Why visit your general or answer his troop requests when you can demonstrate to America how much you care by showing up in the middle of the night, camera crew in tow ... to salute GIs lost on the battlefield? Now that’s worth a couple more months of stalling while troops are dying! Take THAT ditherer mongers!
But I digress.
My phone rang at 3 a.m. Wednesday. Groggily answering, I heard Hillary’s scratchy voice. She said they were sending Air Force One to pick me up at a local airport to take me back to D.C. for an urgent visit with President Obama. I was sworn to secrecy. After guaranteeing her that I didn’t know where Bill was, I dressed. A limo awaited me.
Man her campaign ads about those 3 a.m. phone calls were true.
When I arrived at the airport, searching for that huge 747, passing one super jet after another, the government driver pulled up to a Cessna single-engine puddle jumper and said, “Here you go!”
Weinbaum: “There must be some mistake. I was told I was going on AF1!”
Driver: “If you look inside, you’ll see why this is AF1.”
Crowded in the small vessel was President Obama in animal jammies, buffeted by Rahm Emanuel, David Axelrod and three Secret Service agents. Axelrod pointed to the only empty seat on the plane, next to the President of the United States.
Alrighty then, as the “little AF1 that could” wound itself up and flung into the early morning sky, the conversation began.
Obama: “Weinbaum, you’ve been a thorn in my side. Yet you had some suggestions that might be worth a try. And don’t give me any crap about the PJ’s. I had to sneak out of bed to keep this secret.”
Weinbaum: “I LOVE the PJs Mr. President and thank you for your observations. It’s our First Amendment right to criticize, as you’ve noted. What can I do to help?”
Obama: “I think it may be too late. I’m caught in the middle. Soros, Moore, Biden and Michelle and the progressives are pushing me to abandon Afghanistan and General McChrystal is demanding 40,000 more troops. Nancy ‘Stalker’ Pelosi is on the phone every hour. Harry Reid is a major pain in the ass. And then there are those lunatics at Fox and on radio, Beck and Limbaugh. My attacks against them have backfired. Even NBC’s Saturday Night Live is making derogatory skits. Who do they think I am, George Bush?”
Axelrod and Emanuel spat on the Cessna’s floor in unison.
Obama: “The public doesn’t like me anymore. Every time I talk about health care, more people hate it. My approval ratings are down to 46 percent. My negatives are 13 percent over my positives.
I campaigned for Corzine five times and each time his numbers dropped and that fat boy Chris Christie’s rose. Then that idiot Deeds lost big in Virginia, reversing my magnificent Victory by huge numbers.
My poll numbers are dropping faster than Maureen Dowd’s cleavage. I’ve reached out so far to the Muslim world my arms are coming out of their sockets. Ahmadinejad won’t talk to me and he lies about his nukes. The Israelis hate me and the PLO is playing me. Even those sucker American Jews who gave me all that cash and support have the gall to doubt me.
Being the president is like being the cream in a cookie. You get smashed from both sides, then dunked and eaten. Dave, I don’t know what to do — I don’t know what to do.”
I jumped out of my seat, approaching Obama quicker than the Secret Service could release their seat belts. Grabbing Obama by the horsy on his Jammies, I shook the president: “YOU CAN ACT LIKE A PRESIDENT!!!! What’s the matter with you? Is this what you’ve become, a Harvard Educated Marxist stooge who can’t deal with the real world? Oh what can I do? What can I do? What are you, a RINO? That’s nonsense ... RIDICULOUS! It’s an INFAMIA!!”
Sitting back in my seat, I continued: “Do you spend time with your family?”
Obama: “Yes, but I live with my mother-in-law and my wife watches me like a hawk. My daughters are GREAT!”
Weinbaum: “Every man has his crosses to bear. But you can’t be a true president unless you spend time with your family. My wife is German, I’m Jewish. You know what it’s like sleeping with one eye open? If it wasn’t for the whips and chains (everyone else on the plane including the pilot are visibly drooling) ... sorry, I’m digressing again.
Now here’s what you do…”
As the Cessna bumped and sashayed toward DC, a glimmer of sunlight shoved away darkness on the projectile’s tail ...
Stay Tuned for next week’s episode of “How Obama Can Regain His Mojo” Or “My Future as a ‘Psychiatric Patient’ in Northern Alaska.”
(Dave Weinbaum is a regular contributor of one-liners and commentaries to many regional and national publications and web sites, including the Reader's Digest, National Enquirer and Forbes and is a regular pundit for the www.jewishworldreview.com. Readers can reach Dave at firstname.lastname@example.org or his website, www.daveweinbaum.com. Listen to the Dave Weinbaum Radio Talk show on KTTR 99.7 FM and 1490 AM on Friday mornings starting at 9:05.)