America’s new criminal profiling: Succeeding while Conservative

Dave Weinbaum

America’s new criminal profiling: Succeeding while Conservative

Dave Weinbaum
On a dark humid Florida night a black sedan meanders toward a mansion where a meeting is to take place about an investment opportunity. A Racial Justice Patrol Car, with a SCB (Successful Conservative Bulletin) taped to its dash, sirens screaming, lights flashing, headlights beaming on high blinding anyone looking back, compels a pullover.

The two officers, guns drawn, loudspeakers in the other hand shout, “Get out of the car — NOW!” A slimmed down radio talk show host exits, EIB microphone in hand. The racial cops scream, “Put your hands on the car and keep your big mouth away from the mike!”

Host: “Are you arresting me?”

Weapons cocked and aimed, the two race cops yell, “We told you to SHUT UP! You have the need to remain silent while we convict you of racial hatred without a single shred of evidence! You will own no professional sports team or any other business in the USA. You have the right to leave the country as long as you leave your EIB microphone here. Is that clear?!”

As Jesse and Al lower their loudspeakers, secular progressives, far lefties, all news organizations except Fox, an NFL owner, a smattering of football players and an assortment of Obama sycophants are orgasmic in their response. It’s reminiscent of millions of Germans in the 30’s screaming for that little nut with the mustache as he blasted the reasons for German “living space” and scapegoating of the Jews.

Jesse: “We have permission to determine who has access to the NFL from Dear Leader for backing away from my statement saying I wanted to “cut his (Obama’s) nuts off.”

Al: “We approved Keith Olbermann telecasting Sunday Night Football. We Race Cops are proud of his non-divisive comments such as you saying your success paved the way for Glenn Beck ‘ like congratulating yourself for spreading syphilis.’ We also didn’t bat an eye when Michael ‘Canine Killer’ Vick returned. We look the other way at the plethora of criminal activity that takes place almost every day by players and coaches in the NFL.”

Host: “But officer this is America...”

Racial cops: “We warned you!” Suddenly a Taser whizzes by, followed by screams plunging through the thick humid South Florida air. The victim, quivering while squealing, collapses to the asphalt ending up as a sobbing twitching mass.

Jesse: “What the *@#$! did you do to me, Al?!”

Sharpton: “Sorry bro, me bad.”

Jesse: “Do you think you can aim the squad car at a hospital, you dummy? Dinkens and Hannity were right about you! Just avoid the Hymie part of town!”

Al: “At least we don’t have to pass through Crown Heights with all the black-hatted, bearded diamond merchants!”

As Jesse laughs through his tears, they motor away, sirens screaming, forgetting their intended victim for the time being.

The results of this imaginary yet symbolic fiction are well-known. Outspoken non-racist conservative, Rush Limbaugh is prevented from exercising his right as an American to invest in a professional football team by Commissar Roger Goodell who described Limbaugh as “divisive.” Yet Goodell and the NFL owners embrace ref threatening Serena “I’ll shove a ball down your throat” Williams, J “No more white lies, my president is black” Zee and “@$%&ing all over the world you *&%$(#ing b^($#@es” Fergie as the new pride and joy of NFL proprietors.

Now there’s some NFL family values for ya.

So who is the replacement for Limbaugh going to be?

My sources tell me that the new Rams investor will be the all-knowing, all-magnificent Nobel Peace Prize winner, President of the Universe, Dear Leader, Barack Hussein Obama. Rumor is he’ll be bringing in Anita Mao Tse Dunn in as general manager who favors the famous Chinese “take no prisoners” strategy. Hey, I’m a Ram season ticket holder. At 0-6 it’s worth a shot!

I can’t wait to see the reaction of those same players, coaches and owners who dissed Rush, as our president imposes the same 90 percent salary cuts on the NFL as he’s now inflicting on Wall Streeters after he weaseled his way into ownership there.

Then we’ll know those hits on Sunday will be from real not ‘roid rage.

(Dave Weinbaum is a regular contributor of one-liners and commentaries to many regional and national publications and web sites, including the Reader's Digest, National Enquirer and Forbes and is a regular pundit for the Readers can reach Dave at or his website, Listen to the Dave Weinbaum Radio Talk show on KTTR 99.7 FM and 1490 AM on Friday mornings starting at 9:05.)

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